Trying new things……embracing my sexuality

So, you may have read the title of my post and thought I was referring to sexual identity. Unfortunately, that is not the path I am going to take with this post. If that was what you were hoping for then I apologize for misleading you in you quest. This has more to do with embracing my sexuality as a woman and feeling powerful about my body.

I don’t know about everybody else and the way they have been raised but I grew up with the “Good Girl” mentality. Now, for does who do not know much about that way of life. Let me give you a little background information.

Rules

  1. Always dress modestly
  2. Be polite and mild mannered
  3. Be careful around boys
  4. Don’t go out and party
  5. etc. etc. etc.
  6. Honestly, I feel like the list can go on and on and on but I figured you got the idea

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Well, I don’t really mind the modesty or being polite really. Yet, I feel like as I have grown to be the woman that I am today. That perhaps it is time for me to let go of all of the rules that have been circulating in my mind since I was a child. I know want to make my own rules and live life as I see fit. Thank you Mom and Grandmother. Your words have been very helpful in certain situations but what about me embracing myself as a woman.

Yes, as a woman with curves and imperfections that make me perfect due to my unique individuality. I have found myself frozen in moments of uncertainty in times that I should embrace my sexiness and femininity.

Therefore, I have made a decision! After tons of meditation ( thinking while eating my favorite ice cream) and browsing the internet aimlessly I came across something interesting.

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I need some ice cream….like now

Boudoir Photography! Okay, so not everyone may know what that is all about and that’s okay because I didn’t either.  The post examples it quite simple for everyone in my opinion.

Click the link: What is Boudoir Photography?

So, this is what I am getting myself into……… I have decided that I am going to push myself to the open to limits in myself and explore my sexual side while building confidence in myself and my body. Well, what other way than diving right into the thick of things and immersing myself in the world of sexiness hehe.

I have already scheduled my appointment and I am going in ladies and gentleman!!! So, today I will be going shopping for some sexy outfits for my photo shoot. The key factor in this experience is trying to decided how extreme I want to go. Yes, I want to be sexy but at the same time I don’t want to go so far that I am pretending to be something that is not me.  Sigh, the struggle of fashion haha . Well , below are a few pictures of the world of Boudoir and the mess that I have gotten myself into…….it should be fun and refreshing…….I hope 🙂

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Wish me luck!!!!!!!

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Great News!!!!!

Hello hello hello,

Long time no see right!!!

Yea, I know I am sorry about that I have been super super busy with a new job and moving ugh!!!!!

The list goes on and on haha but what can I say that’s life.

I do have so good news right now I am starting my own little business. I am selling my art on etsy right now.

Your probably thinking WHAT WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!!!

I know random but I decided to make a change in my life and try something new!! Something different…..

You know all our lives we go on and on wanting and dreaming about trying new things but never have the courage to do it because we are afraid to fail.

Well I may fail with this new venture into selling my art work but you know what at least I tried so why not!!!

Here is a link to my shop just click the little picture:

Check out some of my work and let me know what you think!!

Where is my heart? I seem to have forgotten it somewhere along the way…Have you seen it??

Well, it is early in the morning and like any other abnormal person like myself. I find  myself contemplate my life in the wee hours of the day. I don’t know why I do these self analysis to myself over and over again. Perhaps, I am searching for an answer for the many questions I find myself faced with in my every day life.

Today, it seems I am lost in what my dream is. I know you are probably a bit confused right now right? Well, what I mean is that I am unable to figure out what my dream is anymore. I seem to have lost it in the past few years of my life. That is a odd thing to say but the feeling is as if I had forgotten something and it is just on the tip of my mind but I don’t know what I had left behind or when.

When I look back at my high school memories my dream to go to college seemed to be engraved into me since I can remember. That is mainly due to the influence of my mother. Who was a huge advocate of education and always pushed me to go further in my studies and activities so I could one day go to college and do what my parents could not. While I am completely grateful for all the influence my parents had on my life. I feel lost now….as if now that I had completed that goal I don’t have anything to strive for that pushed me as hard as I once pushed myself. I had defined myself so completely on achieving that degree but now what……

By no means am I complaining that I have a degree or that I had to go to college no that is not it at all. I am so thankful for the opportunity but I feel lost and I feel as if their is no one who could possibly understand that feeling. I am faced with the world at my feet (metaphorically) and I don’t know what to do. I look around and see people running into the pool of life and here I am gazing at the reflection of  the sun on the water. Wondering,  

“When did I forget?”

“I had so many dreams as a child. Where did they all go?”

“I don’t want to live my life without leaving something behind….but what do I want to leave behind?”

See, I had it all planned out when I went into school as a freshman. I was going to graduate and spend a few years as a field researcher some where in the world. Then I would go back to graduate school and get my masters then doctorate. Afterwards, I would lead my own research projects in some field of biology probably animal behavior or plant physiology. Yet, towards the end of my time in school I no longer wanted does things as  much as I thought I did. Granted, I still love science but it is different now. I don’t know how to explain it…

Gosh, I am sounding pretty pathetic right now huh. Just so you know I did not invite you to a pity party of mine. Trust me I would have warned you of that ahead of time. No, this is just a contemplation of my life. I guess I am still young and have a lot left to learn but I don’t know where to start.

“Has anyone ever felt anything similar to this?”

“Have you ever felt a bit of confusion, fear, and excitement of the future?”

“Does this feeling ever go away…..Do you ever get the hang of it?”

asdfghjkl ( and just so you know that was a sound of complete frustration) 

Okay, well this is what I do know….

1. I need to find my dream again. I need to figure out what makes me happy and pursue that once more.

2. I need to discover more about myself, who I am, what I want, what I need, what is right for me?

3. I need to jump into that pool.

With peace and love as well as a confused heart,

Sofia

Thank you for reading a bit of my journey. 

“I write from my soul. This is the reason that critics don’t hurt me, because it is me. If it was not me, if I was pretending to be someone else, then this could unbalance my world, but I know who I am.”

Paulo Coelho

 

 

With Laughter and Tears I’ll Say Goodbye Part III

Suddenly, Rebecca stood up wiping her face and called out, “I am going to leave early today Shirley can you let John know?” “Sure, no problem” the woman responded.

“So, where are we going babe?” I expected no response as usually but I was surprised when she said quietly, “We are going to the pier Chris. Remember that place? We made love outside that night on the beach and talked until dawn.”

“Wait, can you hear me? Can you see me?” I was almost ecstatic with happiness but she never said another word the entire way there.

When we arrived to the beach shore she quietly left her shoes in the car and walked to the sea edge. “Babe, its cold we need to go back.” As expected, she didn’t respond to me and continued to walk along the beach bare footed. She reached up and untied her hair from the bun she had it in. She looked beautiful in that moment the lines that traced her face from lack of sleep seemed to melt away as the wind played with her hair and the sea air danced around us.

“I’m fine Chris.” I turned sharply and stood in front of her gazing at her intensely as she looked right through me. “What’s going on?” Again, she didn’t respond to me but watched the horizon line calmly as the sun began to make its way towards darkness.

“I know you are here Chris. I know you have been here since the moment you have died. I can’t see you or hear you but those moments that we have together. When it feels like our two worlds collided and you’re alive again. Does are the moments when I knew I wasn’t crazy.”

“Ah, babe I knew you could feel it too.” I brushed her cheek gently. “I just knew it” I watch as her chest rose as she took in a deep breath and closed her eyes.

.She opened her eyes and gazed into mine. “Just like now”

“Ha ha, I can see you now oh man I must have really lost it” She started pacing back and forth a bit frantically. “Okay deep breath Rebecca he is not standing there in front of you now that is not realistic. Now, count to ten and when you turn around he won’t be standing there and you won’t be insane.” She turned her back to me and closed her eyes and covered her ears. I wanted to laugh but I wanted to know if she could really see me as well. So, I waited. When she finished counting and turned around hesitantly she stops and stared at me. I watched as her mouth dropped and she collapsed to the sand looking up at me. She looked like she saw a ghost well I guess she has.

“Chris”, she whispered.

 I don’t know what happen and why she was able to see me. I just fell to my knees in front of her thankful for this moment as I reached out and touched her. Despite the countless time that I was never able to feel her for this moment I was able to touch her as if I was alive. Maybe, God had pity on us for separating two people who loved each other so much they couldn’t even part after death. Maybe it wasn’t God but the love we had for each other was stronger than death. Hell, I don’t know what it was but for that moment we were together again. “Oh, God babe you can see me…..I love you I love you I love you I love you Oh God thank you” I haven’t cried since I was a child I didn’t even cry on my deathbed but I felt tears run down my face as I gazed into her eyes. That’s when I realized that she couldn’t hear me as I noticed the look of confusion on her face as I spoke. There is always a price in this world nothing is freely given as understanding began to dawn on her face. Yet, still she smiled as she reached out with a trembling hand to my face. Slowly she placed her hands around me tracing the contours of face. It was unbelievable the ecstasy that went through me at that moment I didn’t dare close my eyes because it may all disappear.

She took a deep breath kissed me gently as tears streamed down her eyes. Her lips were trembling but I could feel their warmth touch me. A brief sensation but enough to last me an eternity.  She wrapped her arms around me hugging me close as she whispered in my ear. “It is time for you to go Chris. You can’t stay here with me any longer.”

“Babe, you need me” I said, earnestly. “I am going to stay here with you.” Hoping that she would understand my intent as I pulled back and explained to her my resolve.

Her eyes took on a glint of determination that I have seen many times before once she has made up her mind. “No, Chris you can’t. I will always love you…always but it is time for you to go time for you to move on.”

Her voice wavered as she said “Chris….it’s time for me to move on too.” Her gaze was so strong and confident that I knew she meant every word.

“Ah, babe is that what you really want me to do?”

She nodded as if she couldn’t find the words to speak anymore.

 “Rebecca, I love you and will always love you.” I grabbed her hand and placed it on my chest while placing mine on hers. Trying my best to get her to understand that I will always be here looking after her. She nodded fiercely as if she couldn’t find the words to explain but I understood. She will be okay.

“Times up brother” I heard Rafael call in the distance. That bastard seems to pop up at the most convenient times. “I got to go now babe” I point to my wrist to explain to her I had to leave.

“Okay” she said with tears running down her eyes but she was smiling softly with a sense of acceptance and sadness. “You take care of yourself love…I…I love you dream of me okay.”

“Always” I kissed her one more time before turning away and walking towards Rafael. He was standing further down the beach shoreline. He was looking at me with a sense of understanding as if he had similar burdens of his own a story of his own to tell.

“So, how is the afterlife?” as we began strolling down the beach into an unnatural soft light in the distance.

“Eh, it’s alright I guess there some pretty cool people”

“Oh, yea well can’t wait to check it out”

I watch as he disappeared from my arms as if he was never there to begin with. No one would believe me but that’s okay because I will always have these memories deep within my heart. There was a deep wound in my heart that I thought would always bleed without him here but now is just a scar that has made me better in so many ways. Thank you Chris for the years we had together the laughter, smiles, kisses, and joy you have given me. Thank you for your love and commitment even beyond the end. Thank you for begin you a big stubborn lovable jerk. I thought with a smile and I realized at that moment that it was the first time that I have ever smiled truly from a place of happiness. I’m going to be okay now. I’m not alone and won’t ever be alone. Perhaps, I’ll be able to love again with time. Perhaps I will feel the joy I had with you once again with time. All I know is that I will be okay. I laid back down on the sand and watch the sun set on the horizon and knew that he was truly gone but never forgotten he is just beyond the horizon.

 

I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever. Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.

—Charles Bukowski

So, that is the end to this little tale. I hope you guys liked it as much as I enjoyed writing this piece. I realize that I have a lot of mistakes and a lot of things I need to work on to improve my writing but I hope you don’t mind going on this journey with me as I continue to learn. Finally, I would like to say thank you for reading a bit of my imagination. 

With peace and love,

Sofia

With laughter and Tears I’ll say Goodbye Part II

“So, what do you say?” Andrew said.

 “Oh, I am sorry I didn’t hear that last part.”

“Do you want to grab coffee after work?”

“What a prick! Look at this dude babe trying to ask you out. Say no babe he is a dork I do not approve.” Chris said.  “Geeze, this sucks that you can’t hear or see me but I swear you are not dating this little thing here. Dude go to a gym”

“Huh, sorry I can’t I have plans” I said and began to quicken my pace to the office.  “tsk tsk tsk maybe next time little dude” Chris walked alongside Rebecca chatting the whole way towards her office and she never even knew he was there.

I sat my things on my desk and sat down with a heavy sigh “I have got to stop doing this talking to Chris like he is really here and still alive. People are going to think I am crazy if they catch me talking to my old boyfriend.” Still, it feels like he is still here with me. There are moments that I swear I feel him whispering in my ear or the feel of his lips on my cheek.

It’s been 5 months 2 weeks and 3 days since I died. I don’t remember much that happened during the accident but I remember standing outside my body watching Rebecca crying at my bedside. I remember feeling my heart break as if someone was stabbing me in my chest as I heard her scream for me to wake up. I watched every day as I saw her waste away at my side. She barely ate or slept and I rarely heard her to speak to anyone but me. She would whisper to me the memories we had together. The first time we met was my favorite memory as well as hers. We met by accident and she had such a little attitude when I “accidentally” bumped into her at the studio. She worked at a marketing firm and I hired her company to do an advertising job for my studio. She always kept her distance from me I could tell she didn’t like me to much but I couldn’t resist that small woman with the determined eyes and curly hair.  During our meetings I would try to soften her up but she was all business all the time. I could barely think business around her with her long legs and curves that I would be more than happy to explore over and over again. I continued to come up with excuses for her to come to the studio for one thing or the other just so I could get another chance all but one was a complete failure. That day she came into our meeting and I could see the stress in her eyes.

“Hey, rough day” Hoping she would at least give me a decent response. It must have been my lucky day because surprisingly she did “Yea, I am so busy these past few weeks with so many projects that I haven’t been able to relieve any stress my usual way.”

Alright, play it cool you can’t blow this man this is your only shot. “Well, I know dancing is a good stress reliever. Why don’t you stop by here and try it out?”

A flicker of excitement came across her face but disappeared quickly. “I can’t the studio closes when I get off work.”

“That is not a problem I am still here and you could take lessons with me free of charge. How ‘bout it?” I smiled, hoping she would say yes. “Are you sure that wouldn’t be too much? Would you really do that for me?”

“NO….wait I mean yes no wait “I cleared my throat. “I would be happy to do that after everything you have done for me”

She smiled a brilliant smile that would make the hardest men get on their knees for her. God knew I was not immune to it by no means and knew I was in deep but I didn’t seem to mind. Later, that evening she came to the studio and I was surprised at how well she could dance. Of course, I picked slow romantic R&B songs to dance too. I must have miscalculated the affect she had on me because every time her body brushed against mind I was lost in burning desire for her. Before, I knew it we were both drench in sweat laying on the floor catching our breath. She was wearing just a sports bra and sweats. I couldn’t help but gaze at her body as I watched her chest rise with her quickened breath and the sweat gleam down her toned body. “I didn’t know you were a dancer.” Trying to take my mind off her extremely sexy body. “Yea, I love dancing it is one of my favorite things to do which is why I volunteered for this project.” I found my gaze resting on her body again and when I looked up I found her knowing eyes gazing at mine with a little smile spilling across her face. I don’t know what happened. I never have done anything like that despite what some would think of me but I found myself kissing her on the dance floor. She was so beautiful and everything I could possibly dream of at that moment that I just lost it. That night we made love right there in the studio. Afterwards, we looked at each other and laughed at the crazy situation we had found ourselves in. Well, the rest I guess is history. We fell in love fast maybe a bit too fast some would say. I guess, the passion that we had for each other was responsible for the passionate fights we had but we always had the greatest make up sessions. I thought with a smile.

On that fateful night I died I remember that it was raining softly outside and Rebecca was holding my hand whispering sweet memories to me. Despite, the physical state I was in I could still feel her touch, her kiss, her caress it was beautiful and a painful agony. As I knew it would be the last time I would ever feel her. The horrible unfair outcome of my life was enough to cripple my soul. I was planning to marry this woman and make her my wife. I wanted to have a daughter just like her mom with her beautiful eyes and a quick temper. It was a dream that I was about to make a reality. It just doesn’t seem fair. “Chris, baby I don’t want you to suffer anymore okay. Don’t keep lingering here in pain for me. I love you with all of my heart but please baby don’t do this to yourself. I know you are a stubborn fighter” She laughed sadly, “but I want you to rest in peace baby so we can meet again okay.”

“I am not going to leave you babe. You always do this to yourself.” I sighed in mock frustration. “You know this is the reason that we argued so much you are always thinking about others and never yourself. I love you babe how can I leave you.”

“She’s right Chris. It’s time for you to go.” I turned around and some man was standing there dressed in a pair of old jeans and a Beatles tee. He was a Spanish man or Italian maybe Greek hell I am not so sure with his olive skin and black hair. I honestly didn’t care enough to ask. “You can see me!”

“Yea, man it’s my job. Name’s Rafael and I am here to point the way my brother.” He was leaning against the wall in a relaxed manner with his hands stuffed in his pockets looking like he didn’t have a care in the world. He had one of those faces that you never could tell the person’s real age. His face appeared young but his emerald green eyes looked as if they had seen a lot in their time.

“Well, I am sorry to disappoint you but I can’t leave. I have to take care of her.” How could I leave her in a state like this? She was wasting away in such a short period of time.  I reached over to touch her hair in vain as I watched my hand slip right through her.

“Okay, I see you are going to be difficult so let me be frank. In about 3 minutes you will officially be dead. Based off the information I got about you. You were a good guy so nothing to be afraid of in judgment and all that stuff.” I could see the disinterest written all over this guy’s body language and felt the urge to punch him in the face but I had other matters of higher importance over his attitude problem. Yet, I couldn’t help but wonder why the hell I had to get the weird one.

“Once again I am not leaving until I know she is okay.”

“Well, I got other customers tonight so I am not going to waste my time trying to convince you since you seem to be sticking to your decision.” Rafael said with an uncaring look on his face.

“Dude, you are a horrible whatever the hell you are.” I said, shaking my head turning back to Rebecca.

“Well I am on probation so what can I say but I will say this before I go. Chris, your guys love for each other is so strong that she will always sense you are nearby. She will never be okay as long as you are around man. You gotta let her go.” I felt a hand hit my shoulder and turned around “What do you…where the hell did you go.”  And he was gone.

Death is not that bad the problem is leaving the living behind. I saw a single tear race down Rebecca’s face “Babe, don’t cry. “ She was sitting in her office when I watched her pick up a framed photo of us together. It is always like this she will be fine for several days in a row but on other days I feel as if she is having such a hard time. I walked around the desk and came behind her placing my arms around her hoping she would feel something. When I happened to glance at the photo of us together at the amusement park it was a few months within our relationship. We had argued that day as well because I had met one of my ex’s at the event she wasn’t the best representative of my past. Jennet was a busty blond with as much intelligence as a poodle but what can I say she was a easily lay just not someone you would bring home to mama ya’know.  Rebecca had went to the bathroom and returned seeing my ex’s arms draped around my neck. I tried to explain but I am not the best with words eventually she started crying. I never really cared when any of my ex’s started to cry but when I saw her eyes fill with moisture I automatically lost it. “Babe, no no no it’s okay please stop oh man” I began kissing every tear that ran down her face until eventually she cracked a smile and pushed me away. “Stop it you idiot it tickles”

“Forgive me” I looked her in the eyes kissing her on the lips once more. I saw her eyes soften and knew this storm had passed. “Yea” she said softly and I hugged her in relief. That night is when I realized how important she was to me. When I saw the tears begin to fall I had a thought she was going to leave me when she stormed away from me. I made love to her that night with my entire heart.

With Laughter and Tears I’ll Say Goodbye Part I

Alright, I’ll catch you later Tracy! Have a good day at work”, I walked out of the door getting ready to head on to work myself. It was beautiful this morning the sun was shining gracefully across the morning sky. The air was calm and clear with the refreshing breeze caressing my skin. As I glance around the neighborhood there seemed to be a quite peace lingering in the air. Even though I live in the city the neighboring blocks I reside in always seem to be quite and calm. The primary residents all seemed to be older citizens with very little to no drama at all. Well, that is if you consider the old men cheating each other at checkers drama. I have been living with my roommate Tracy for a couple of years now. Rent is high in the city so living by myself is a luxury that I can’t afford right now. I don’t mind living with her at all actually she is a quiet, calm girl who primarily keeps to herself. We aren’t best friends but we understand each other well and I couldn’t ask for more in a roommate. I continued walking down the block observing the shop owners set up for the upcoming customers of the day. All seemed to be well with everyone as I gave each one a small acknowledgement smile and wave. Yet, strangely enough I couldn’t seem to fine that same serenity within myself.  I breathed in the morning air deeply quickening my pace to work on that quite morning when I turned the corner and came across a recent memory.

“Good morning babe” Chris said waiting for me at the corner. He was standing at the corner waiting for me with a big goofy grin that is infectious to women of all ages and I am not immune to its affects. Standing at a height of around 5’11 he wasn’t the tallest guy around but he towered over my small 5’4 frame. I couldn’t help but admire his physic as I approached him down the sidewalk. He was wearing normal t-shirt with a graphic picture on the front and a loosely fitted pair of jeans with flip flops. At first glance you would assume that he was a slacker but in reality he owns his own dance company a few blocks away and is a choreographer for many music industries. His passion for the things he loves is one of the reasons I fell for him and many others had as well.

“Morning love” I said.

“Did you sleep well last night?” He said, pushing his midnight black hair out of his chocolate brown eyes and feminine lashes. He grabbed me and brought me in for a hug and a quick kiss to the lips. I could feel his strong muscular frame pressed against me as he held me tight.

“No, because I was dreaming of you all night thanks a lot” I replied with a smile. We go through the same routine every morning and despite the predictability I can’t help but smile.  “What type of dreams were you having of me huh? We had both better be naked or I don’t want to hear about it.” I laughed; we continued our walk down the street. “No, you and I were just playing a wholesome game of chess.” I felt him place his arm around my waist and kiss me on the cheek. I breathed in deeply as I smelled his cologne.  “Huh, I guess we are going to have to change that. I love you babe.” He whispered into my ear.

“Hey Rebecca” a familiar voice came from around the corner bringing me back to reality. I turned to look and my coworker Andrew came from inside a corner shop.  “Huh oh good morning Andrew, how are you?” Andrew is a new employee at the marketing and design company I work at. He is about the average height for a guy with dirty blond hair and glasses. Many of the female employees find him incredible attractive with his classic good looks and high intelligence. I am sure he would be a good catch for anyone of them but he never seems to be interested in anyone. Rumors spread that he must have other sexual preferences but I don’t think that is the case. I believe that a disappointed admire stated that to save face to determine who that would be you would have to go through a significant list of supspects. Either way it has been certainly entertaining to watch the women flock themselves his way every time he comes to my department.

“I’m good thanks but I could have sworn I heard you talking to someone just now.” He said with a puzzled look on his face looking around. I laughed a bit awkwardly, “Oh that was just me thinking out loud about the things I need to get done today at work ha ha ha….yea”. That answer seemed to be enough for him because he jumped on to another conversation easily. I continued to absently listen to him talk about work speaking when necessary as my mind drifted to the past.

Its’ been 5 months, 2 weeks and 3 days since the last time I saw you Chris. The last time you held me and walked me to work as we split ways just like every morning. That morning was just like any other morning just like today. We would go through a silly routine tell each other we loved each other and walk away. I remember it was raining heavily that morning and we were in a bit of a rush. We hurriedly kissed each other goodbye and I ran into the office never once looking back. A few hours later I got a call from the hospital.

He had been in a car accident going to a meeting with a coworker. A truck had hydroplaned across the intersection and hit the passenger side where he was sitting. I don’t remember how I got to the hospital or anything between that phone call and the moment I saw him.  I remember standing in the doorway of his hospital room as he lay in bed so calmly like he was asleep and would wake up any second. The only difference was the machines that seemed to drape all across his body invading what appeared to be my sleeping prince.  I stood there in horror perhaps shock I can’t recall the emotions that went through me like a storm at that time and felt my body begin to move towards his bedside. “Wake up baby…Wake up….its’ not funny anymore okay this is not a joke you are scaring me” My voice began to quiver as tears choked my throat. “Wake up!” I screamed as I collapsed to the floor crying my heart and soul out. My screams echoed my agony and hatred to the unforgiving world that took my heart and kill it right in front of me. Tomorrow was going to be our 3 year anniversary.

The doctor later told me he was in a coma and asked me if I had any contact with any of his family. He explained to me that his brain damage was so severe that even if he did wake up he would never live a normal life or be able to function above the status of a vegetable. I stood there as he explained to me calmly how the most important person in my life was going to either die or live a life that he would rather had died. “No” I said quietly “He has no family. He’s an orphan.”

Chris remained in a coma for 3 days following the accident before he quietly stopped breathing as I held his hand.  I stayed by his side the each day that passed. I wanted to have every last breathing moment he had left together. I was afraid he would die alone if I wasn’t there and I couldn’t bare the idea of him being alone. The staff was kind and allowed me to stay there despite the rules of the hospital I was truly thankful for that gift of time which we had so little of. The night he died was calm and still I watched the sky through the open window as the moon and stars seemed to be our only audience. I was telling Chris all the reasons why I loved him and the memories we shared together when I felt him grip my hand for a brief moment and watched as his last breath left his lips. I kissed him goodbye as the silent tears quietly ran down my face. “Goodbye baby, I will dream of you okay” I said as I cradled his head and the silent sobs racked my body till exhaustion.

  One of the most heartbreaking moments was when the hospital staff gave me the possessions they found on him after the accident. He had an engagement ring in his pocket with a small letter written inside the box. “Say yes babe…I love you”

It has been so long….

Well hello everyone,

How have you been??

Good! 

I am glad to hear it.

How have I been you ask?? Well, thank you for asking. I have had a lot going on in my life. Which explains the long period of time we have been unable to communicate. I know I know that is no excuse for not catching you up with everything that has been going on but it is all I got sorry.

So, sorry but I have a life

Well, I don’t remember if I told you guys this or not but I graduated college!!!! Yes, the past four years of my life have been pretty brutal I am not going to lie. There were moments of high anxiety, sadness, stress, depression yet, at the same time there were moments of great beauty and joy that will forever be a beautiful memory in my heart. The last semester was the toughest when it comes to stress and unfortunately I am still left with the stress acne scars on my face tear….. I was one of those people everybody hated because I never broke out during that horrible teenage transition period of our lives. I had so many things going on those past few months that even thinking about it makes me sigh.

Well, I guess I could give you a sparknotes version of my last semester to break down the craziness……

  • I was unsure of passing my genetics course which was required for me to graduate on time.
  • I had to take an overload of courses because I was short 3 credits so in the end I had 20 credit hours I was taking. ( I took art sooooo it wasn’t that that bad)
  • I was working 2 campus jobs to help pay for food (a necessary need) and I would sometimes work as a Batista for a friend who own a cafe anytime I was free and needed the extra cash
  • My roommate turned out to be complete and horrible person. I have a few other choice words but I am trying to be nice. She literally tried to make my life a living hell but honestly her presence was so insignificant to me but I def. didn’t need the extra stress at home.
  • My regular course load was pretty hectic since I was doing a couple of research projects that needed a lot of outside of class time.
  • The cherry on top of it all….a week before my graduation my stepfather died and I had to go back home and set up the funeral (my mother was grieving to much to deal with it) while at the same time prepare for my research trip out of state for a month, get ready for my graduation ceremony and move off of campus.

Honestly, there are a quite a few things that I didn’t add on to this list but I really don’t want to get to much into it. I seemed to be going to a whirlwind in my life at the time and I could not figure out when it was going to end. You know I am pretty tough girl I can handle a lot because I have this belief that everything in life is temporary. Our emotions, stress, anxiety are all temporary states of being that will pass with time but this time I was wondering if that was really true or not. My suffering seemed to continue on and on as everything seemed to come at me all at once. 

Yet, as the worse part of the storm of my life hung overhead the sun soon shined through the clouds and a new beginning began. Yes, I did have a hard time finding work after college (let’s talk about that in another post hmmm). Despite, all the craziness….it was just temporary. I feel as if I learned a lot about myself in these past few pages of my life. 

What did you learn????

Well, let’s see

  • Life is such a fragile thing. Death is always a companion but not something to be fear but understood. Without the presence of death we would not be able to treasure the life that we have now.
  • Worrying about things that I have no control over will change nothing in the situation. I learned to accept the hand that life has dealt me and when to fight for what needs to be fought for.
  • Some battles don’t need words but are won through quiet actions.
  • Friendships come and go but the ones who stay in times of tragedy and difficulty are priceless and my greatest treasure.
  • I can work until I fall to my knees but I need to remember to laugh, smile and live in the moment.
  • Patience through mediation and pray
  • etc.

must mediate from this rachet world and ppl before I go to jail Im too cute for that

 

 

These past few months of my life and been indescribable in words and if I think about it too hard I tear up a bit. Not in self pity or misery but in happiness. You are probably thinking that is a bit odd huh??? Yea, I know but I made it! and not only that but I am a better person from it all. This to me is something worth celebrating a victory in the many battles of life. You know what it is not over the world we live in is harsh and unforgiving but beautiful and awe inspiring. I one day hope to always have the peace within my heart during these storms that always come in life. I am young and still have a lot to learn but that is okay I am looking forward to it. 

Well, I am a bit sleepy and I think I am going to listen to some music and hit the sack. I’ll try my best to blog again and give more detail of what is going on later. Till then, good night my fellow peeps!!!